They say that motherhood is the greatest thing and the hardest thing.
Sometimes I hardly believe that I am a mother – the mother of two handsome, tall, young men with big hearts and warm hugs.
Sometimes I just watch these two beautiful, lovable (sometimes frustrating!) humans and can hardly believe they were once snuggled safe within me, when I and only I was able to completely nurture and protect.
Sometimes I look at them and wonder if they are aware of just how much I love them. Have I told them I love them enough times over the last 20+ years?
When they were babies and I was so busy just trying to stay awake and somewhat functioning to be the super mum who worked part time and also cooked meals and cleaned the house and washed their clothes and was a wife and … hang on I’m a mother too? … Did I say ‘I love you’ enough during those crazy, busy years? I hardly remember those first years which flew past in a frenzy of nappies, childhood sickness, primary school angst, motherly worries and other ‘stuff’ that are just an unimportant blur now. The on and on-ness of it all wore me down and I wish I had known then what I know now… that you think you have enough time!
I know I probably didn’t say ‘I love you’ enough during the dark teen years when I could have throttled them one minute and hugged them the next minute. The years when i just wanted to protect them from mistakes and said (possibly yelled) ‘no’ more times than when they were little. Those years of slamming doors and hateful words on both our parts. I hope they understand that when I used to go all strict ‘Sri Lankan Tiger Mum’ on them that I was freaking out about the big bad world I felt that I had to protect them from, whatever the cost. I hope they understand that I am always going to worry about them and Tiger Mum is going to raise her crazed head every so often.
Do I say ‘I love you’ enough now that they are the sometimes-independent adult human beings, so intent on cutting those apron strings?
I believe I finally have found the time and the positive brain space to love them more consciously. To know in my heart that what I have always felt for these two sons (the light of my life, joy of my heart, a physical part of my very being), is finally manifesting itself in clear loving words and actions – in the ‘I love you’s I say and the hugs and touches. The phone calls and the long chats about everything and nothing. I hope that finally they understand that even when I can’t be with them physically that I am holding them close in my heart and supporting them in their lowest moments.
I hope that finally, finally my boys understand the depth of love I feel for them.
I just need my boys to know today (on Mother’s Day) what has already been written so beautifully by a talented Tina Plantamura –
“It doesn’t matter how far away you are or how old we both become. It doesn’t matter how many years go by or how many children of your own you have someday. You will always be the fire in my heart, the greatest joy in my memories, and the reason I sometimes stay awake and worry. I will love you on your happiest days, I will love you through your lowest points, I will love you when you break my heart. This love of mine will take on a thousand different forms, yet it will never change. As you grow older, you might forget some of the little things I used to do. But I hope you’ll always know how much it means when I say I love you.” (Read the full letter here – at Upworthy)
I love you my boys! ❤️❤️